wasted

wasted time after wasted time

i have no useable film for my nude assignment. 

i am completely fucking myself over

i have no one to shoot

the person i should be able to shoot

is a hassle and a half 

is this worth it?

i have so many ideas, 

but they are on the back burner

so i have to rethink everything because i do not have a model. this is in every sense of the word, ridiculous. i wanna cry and i feel i was completely useless last week. i was. i don't want to dwell on this, but honestly i'm not sure where to start from right here. should i even go to the lab today. i can't even remember if i had dropped off rolls. i thought this semester, i would regain all the confidence i had the first few times i picked up a camera. i'm lost right now. i keep wondering through the internet, looking for work that inspires me. there's tons of it and i get ideas, but these are just shaped through others and i'm worried and apprehensive due to the fact that i may not be creating my own vision, that it is merely a sour replica of something old. i'm reading energy made visible, its the biography of jackson pollock. i never took a liking to his work, but reading the letters he wrote to his family while he was 17 and searching for his place in art world, makes me think of myself. i am so far behind and am so afraid i will not catch up. i must turn this point of view around and make things happen. i know this. BUT WHERE DO I START? this is so whiney, and i admit that. please don't think i don't realize that. but this also has to do with having a vagina and trying to make everything as pleasant as possible. i know today is today and tomorrow i'll be smiling and willing to approach this with a slightly less emotional outlook. i can't ask him now, he's about to leave. i'm screwed. i don't even know how the fuck my camera works. my tripod is a piece of shit. i don't have a flash. there's film stuck in my camera right now. oh fuck not to mention i have no idea what i'm doing for my final.  FUCK THIS.